|
|
Thursday, February 9th, 2006
| |
8:57 pm - New Poem
|
new poem - written a lot, but i never get around to typing them up...but this one i felt i needed to.
Of Love she sought for all the world
But the seeker far less than understood
the meaning of the thing for which she sought.
For Love is not just living with
nor can it be taken as lightly
as those in pasts who had beleived
that they were living in it.
Although some really did those poor and underfed souls,
to those whom they Loved - they could not,
for what really is a rich girl...
Love conquers all, and is ne'er released,
yet these images fling through it too fastly,
Once found their lives can't be the same,
their 'love' soon drains to ahses,
there in this barren wasteland,
teh vestiges of lost Love souls,
will run away from seking more,
and only grab the easy
So Oh, green lights that brighten our ways,
Please, Please be forgiving,
the monocles of those above
will only watch the waitings...
So have bared all, one who still Loves,
slips fast from memory,
for poor and rich will ne'er combine.
Alas - no Love feel they - the rich,
for only poor boys stay.
As the rich end running away.
|
|
|
| Friday, January 20th, 2006
| |
11:30 pm
|
I wrote a sonnet...
here goes
Ma says ta be against 'da house fer me
Da'll crake 'is black whip tae lern me lessons
'ard right up me 'lil weak skull. Scare-ed me
did 'de 'lil sound uv dose wit' ale, bad chast'ns
Fer me you see 'ta take away 'is long
awaited massa'll make a heart as mine
a brok'd so much 'da fassa. I wish song
uv me was sing'd 'ta bite an' beat 'dae wine
An' I again'd see da love dat we
a could puh-lease awak'n, an finally take
away da hated massa' 'ose 'a 'pressin we
an takes an slapes yer life away; fersaken
But Oh, the time the child spent for,
all these shalllow, small cries is vain e'ermore.
current mood:  blank
current music: Brand New
|
|
|
| Tuesday, January 17th, 2006
| |
5:47 pm
|
wow i havent written in here in forever....
Autin n i are friends again - oo rah, lol, it's nice having him as a friend again - and no hard feelings, geez jessica totally tried to F up our friendship, i think austin had the right idea to try and make Jessica and i not hook up...but this is not about jessica, this is about me
I've been good
slacking totally on school,
i actually TOOK A NAP today - OMFG!
lol
i never take naps
uh
campout comming up, any GUYS that read this that are interested in comming, this is an open invite to all guys who dont go to my church
so basically, i like seminary, tried hard to stay awake today, and i'll probably try and hang w/ matt neville on friday since we didnt get to over the long weekend
love easily, love passionately, but dont love often.
|
|
|
| Tuesday, December 27th, 2005
| |
10:21 am
|
livin large and in charge in the sunshine state
call me
843-860-6584
lets do some stuff today
|
|
|
| Saturday, December 24th, 2005
| |
10:24 pm
|
And so this is Christmas
Isn't it the best time of year
where the children are shouting
and the grown-ups are doubting
when we all feel that great 'holiday cheer'
Oh what Christmas once was
was worth celebrating
but maybe it's not anymore
for the one whom we loved is not there
and has no place in the lives of these here.
Now it's just another excuse to party
to get drunk and wasted and high
to get some free gifts and give some cheap presents
and not show anything but lies...
What happened to Christmas, the one that I loved
when I was still but a lad...
When the people still cared,
and teh spirit was real,
and we felt the love
of the savior
even more thsi tiem of year....
And there you go,
I'm looking forward to Christmas
I am, i just wish it wasnt so corporate...
Merry Christmas everyone,
hope your holidays are merry and bright
Dont dwell on the bad when theres still so much good.
I'm trying not to, so you should to.
Goodnight, and sweet dreams, to all of those that cared. As this day sets, a new begins, so wake up tommorow, and when you read this feel the love that i have for the people whom i care about, know that i love each and everyone of you that read this, and that I will always be here.
Have the greatest Christmas, that money can never buy.
Make it great.
Til we meet again - and for a few of you that could even be tommorow, just cell it up while i'm on my way down.
843-873-6117
Call, and i'll be making my own set of calls to those that i need to wish a very merry christmas.
Goodnight my loves.
|
|
|
| |
4:12 pm
|
| Arty Kid | 
Whether you were a drama freak or an emo poet, you definitely were expressive and unique.
You're probably a little less weird these days - but even more talented! |
emo poet may be right...
tho i'm not really emo...
maybe a romantic (meaning very into human emotions/states, beings, individuals....) poet, which by some standards is emo today...
but i do love the arts.
|
|
|
| |
8:59 am
|
i have a g/f - becca and I are going out
and my mom is 'dissappointed in me' - for a hickie - what a loser!
and now i'm off to play football
|
|
|
| Friday, December 23rd, 2005
| |
2:02 pm - 40 Q's
|
40 questions about 2005.
1) Was 2005 a good year for you?
Mostly - it's difficult to put an all good or all bad spin on it, i guess it was a generally good with not very good stuff that happened
2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
favorite moment...wow....how about i choose a top 3 - in no particular order:
Concert w/ Jessica
Jessica saying yes (great moment at the time...and for a time afterwards, it made me really happy, so it's a favorite moment because it's very memorable, even if the events will never transpire teh way it was supposed to from what happened that day...)
July 4th w/ Nick
3) what was your least favorite moment?
living with the ghost of what should have been. (listen to the song by
4) Where were you when 2005 began?
In My Hizzouse
5) Who were you with?
Mi Familia
6) Where will you be when 2005 ends?
Probably home...might still be in Fl
7) Who will you be with when 2005 ends?
Family...or w/ nicks family, or my grandparents
8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2005?
did i have a resolution?
9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2006?
Make it.
10) Did you fall in love in 2005?
True Statement
11) If yes, with who?
If you didnt know, you havent been reading my journals...
12) If yes, do they know?
They knew
13) If yes, are you still in love with them?
...not that way...falling in love was a frilly fall, falling out of love was like a a video on filecabi.net which i may post a link for you guys to watch.
14) If yes, do you regret it?
do i regret falling in love....that is the question...with a complicated answer....
No and yes...no i dont regret teh stuff we had, or the memories that i can hold, but i do regret what teh end brought to us as people, as friends, as individuals...the falling isnt regretful, but the way things ended was less than desirable.
15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2005?
if you didnt catch that you didnt read my ljs
16) Did you make any new friends in 2005?
yes i most certainly did
17) Who are your favorite new friends?
uh...Matt Neville probably, he's real cool (in a nerdy kinda way)
18) What was your favorite month of 2005?
February - everything turned right....
19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2005?
Canada
20) How many different states did you travel to in 2005?
a lot, tennesse, florida, through to canada....
21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005?
Louis died...my Great Aunt died (tho she wasnt that close), and i think i may have lost Jessica as a friend...
22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
many people...many sleepless nights with a hot wet companion that trickled from my eyes...
23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2005?
uh... i'd go w/ Hitch Hikers guide, but there was a lot that i liked seeing w/ the people i saw them w/
24) What was your favorite song from 2005?
you dont want the list.
25) What was your favorite record from 2005?
my favorite album...Hot Fuss was re released...and Frances the Mute came out - so i think i'm gunna go w/ Frances the Mute.
26) How many concerts did you see in 2005?
2
27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2005?
February, the people made it different, i liked the music more in the second.
28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2005?
dont drink
29) did you do a lot of drugs in 2005?
dont drug
30) How many people did you sleep with in 2005?
I had sex w/ none, i may have ended up in the same bed/floor/couch as people w/ sleepovers.
31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
yes
33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005?
difficult..i dont really know
34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2005?
i beleive i did...i wish i hadnt, but thats the past, and thats the only thing forreal.
35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2005?
i dont htink she realized it, and if she did know it was justifiable, i was an A-hole.
36) How much money did you spend in 2005?
510 - thats how much i earned, and i'm broke.
37) What was your proudest moment of 2005?
hmmm...i dunno...
38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005?
too many to mention
39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change something, what would it be?
i think we all know what i'd have chosen...i'd change the turning point in that relationship, not that i would have made it go and stay together, i would have just accepted things then, let thigns die, let teh relationship fade away, and been able to keep the friendship intact...but thats probably inmpossible to do at any rate..
40) What are your plans for 2006?
finish this school year, play lots of video games, eat lots of food, join marching band, get a schedule i really like next year, listen to more music, and get a relationship of some sort.
|
|
|
| Tuesday, December 20th, 2005
| |
9:11 pm
|
my mom broke down and bought a christmas tree
the wuss
|
|
|
| |
10:40 am
|
Jessica and i are talking again, on shaky ground, trying to be friends. And nothing more. Absolutely nothing more....and i actually like not thinking of her that way, it takes so much pressure off, i actually fel alright
For the past 2 and a half days i've been zoned one halo - so much fun....ahh halo.... but it's christmas shopping time now....
Jessicas mad cuz i didnt call her last night to confirm if i could pick hwer up from school today since i have my licence, and i kinda fell asleep before 10 - i know it's break but there was just nothing to do in my house and i fell asleep and she had a message that she sounded kinda mad and just told me to forget picking her up....
sory i fell asleep
OH K HERES THE BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!! (drumroll)
I will be in Cooper City on
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
CHRISTMAS DAY!!!!
hoooray, ok i will be spending 1 week there, i know a lot of people want to spend some time with me, and i know nick has plans for us to hang w/ people already, SO - Tell me plans ASAP so i can write myself up a schedule - i need times, and places. Not like last time, where people were just kinda willy nilly on telling me where/when, and i barely got to hang w/ anyone, people get together get groups to hang w/, lets go see some movies, lets jerk around at the mall, some people can come watch me make a fool of myself skating cuz i havent in so long. Lets do Lunch, Dinner, and even Breakfast, i want to seriously hang w/ everyoen i can, i want every second of my day to be with people, completely planned yet unplanned, i want the spontaity, i want to still be able to tell people i can hang w/ them at minutes notice, but i also wan t to have a lot of places i already have to be....
So start telling me times and places - please dont try and make me be able to hang w/ u every day - i cant, i have too many people to see, but just sign up for as much as you can and i'll build my schedule and tell u what times i'm available.
Start posting here or email me - my.only.emotion.27@gmail.com
i want to have some seriuos fun
we can do anything
we can sit in a car and listen to music or play a lan party til 3 in the morning, we can mess around on someones guitar, or mess around with their parents. Lets make it fun!
|
|
|
| Monday, December 12th, 2005
| |
8:47 pm
|
|
thanks for everyone whose shown me they care
|
|
|
| Sunday, December 11th, 2005
| |
5:46 pm
|
alright for all you people who replied heres a mass reply to all of you because i didnt want to write a comment - i'm a slacker like that
first i would encourage you to read teh comment i left to mybree on my last entry - considering some of the points you brought up i'd already realized and decided i didnt want to be that anymore
now the intent of the last entry was not me being depressed about what happened, which is obviously how u guys all took it, i instead was saying that - Ok Jessica and I arent talking - whoopdeefrickindoo i couldn't care less
Whatever floats her boat - Whatever i dont even care
Cuz ours seems to have sunk - Our friendship is dead, nothing we can do, so lets get on with this
so u all took my intents the opposite of how i meant them....
thats what i get for trying to be cryptic
lol
someones waiting for me to get over jessica?! Sweet, considering i dont care about what goes on between us anymore (and when i say i dont care, i dont really mean i dont care, i mean that if stuff happens, i'm not gunna let it get to me, because theres really nothing happening, never will happen, and i've managed to fall out of love (no kiley it wasnt lust, because anything sexual was seriously not what i wanted out of it) and i'm absolutely fine with it, i'm single, and looking) I am looking for someone, i am not really sure who...i'm open to a lot of people right now, because i've reached this new status that i'd never reached before - people actual like me, HOLY FRICK, it's like...i dont even nkow, whole 'notha experience for me, i've never really hada lot of girls chasing me, and it's kinda nice to have the roles switched, that doesnt mean i want to be a playa, it's just that it is nice to be liked by people - and i really dont wanna stay single anymore - but they just have to understand that i have absolutely no money for christmas, so i may not get them anything, theres a ton of people i want to get stuff, but i dont think i'll be able to get anything to anyone, other than some simple home made stuff, letters, and i may make some cookies and all that jazz, i'd love to give more, i just cant seem to....
But anyways i'm absolutely fine with the nonexistant situation that doesnt exist between jessica and myself - shes got her fiance, and i've got options, i'll take the options now - it's better now it's done, i can move on and learn from what happened, doesn't mean i'll forget all the good times we shared, i just know that the bad ended up overshadowing the good, and it had to end, and thats that. End of story. no more no less - the only thing thats really gunna stay is that i now refuse to dance to the song hero by enrique eglasias, and i'm glad that hey didnt play it at the dance last night (of which i definately flirted with lots of girls and had a good time, i am also hoarse, and sore, but so is john and we had a blast!) thats really, i think, the only thing thats gunna stick w/ me....because it was ours, and i dont want to tread on the memory of the good stuff so, it's just me being formal, it is still 'our' song, even if there isnt an 'us' anymore....or something like that....i hope u get my intent there..........
if not just im me i'll explain more thoroughly
but yeah -
i'm single,
and i'm actually liking it
sweet.
|
|
|
| |
11:26 am
|
jessica and i arent talking for a week
whatever floats her boat,
cuz ours sems to have sunk
|
|
|
| Saturday, December 10th, 2005
| |
9:14 am - bet she never thought i'd get answers like this
|
|
| Friday, December 9th, 2005
| |
11:16 pm
|
well today went good
up until about 5 mins ago
then shit w/ my family
but lets not talk about it
infact lets not talk
because i've got no reason to be anything
no reason to be jealous
no reason to care
no reason to not
no reason to see
no reason to hear
and certainly
no reason to be writing this
because she answered the question i asked
without her even knowing it
so this is my last entry - i wish her the best of luck, and i just wont be writing in my lj anymore - because she answered the question, and therefore theres no reason to write on here anymore - she could see it, and she answered that qustion i asked...
and so i have no reasons
no reasons to love
no reasons to hate
no reasons to write
and no reasons to care.
I'm out - i'll do whatever floats my fucking boat.
and only my fucking boat - i'm probably gunna end up hurting girls - but thats ok, what the fuck has a girl ever done for me romatically that hasnt came back and gnawed off half my ass while slowly choking the life out of me. girls are great - just wish they worked romantically with guys....but it hasnt happened - no reason for me to beleive it will happen
i'm gunna fucking die single - and guess the fuck what
i think i just might fucking like it.
so fuck the love i feel,
cuz i cant deal with it
so fuck it - thats right fuck it
i really dont need to feel this,
cuz love is just one big bleeding mess
i still hope i'm wrong - but experience is showing otherwise, what love once was, is forever lost
and people change who they're engaged to in 4 weeks and say they love the other person - 4 fucking wweeks....i know i dont mean a shit anymore......and that wasn't even how she answered it, cuz i still held hope
what kind of a sick fuck am i
so i have to let go, completely, no romantics, because i've got no other fucking way to cope anymore.
|
|
|
| Wednesday, December 7th, 2005
| |
7:26 pm
|
i wish i could seriously suppress feelings completely, not just incompletely
because the way i feel right now is no fun
and i came to a decisino
that i never wanted to reach
i just wanted it to hang in limbo
i dont even know how i made it
but i somehow dont even like the decision i came to
and nothing makes it better
life is the longest rollercoaster i've ever been on, i just hope some day it levels out for at least a little while.....even if it's at a low, at least it's steady...
i dont like the way i look - at all, my nose looks funny when i turn to the side, my face doesn't gel w/ the rest of me, but i like my eyes, they just dont belong on this hideous face (i know lots of people think i'm attractive or something, but i dont like how i look, that doesn't mean i dont like myself, or that i'd change how i look or am obsessed w/ how i look, i infact dont care about mirrors, not for not wanting to look at myself, but because i dont think it's important - the inside maters....and i like my inside, at least most of the time, theres times i hate myself for things i've done, but it's more hating that i did what i did than who i am....i dunno it's complicated, this isn't meant for me to be like downing myself - i'm just stating a fact, that i dont think i look good, i'm ok w/ being ugly i have been for a very long time, it's ok....it seriously doesn't bother me - other stuff does...)
and that other stuff
is killing me.
Just take it away, suck out my soul and take away the pain, i'd finally be steady, i can be happpy somehow but still have this gnawing fear and dread and sadness that permeates me - although i'm happy, i dont understand it....
that song by cursive was "The Gentleman Caller" - i suggest you all listen to it
i've noticed more variety in what i write now, a lot of it is drawing more directly from my observations the way i saw them, and thougth about them, even though i may assume different speakers, wheras before i took the views of others in positions....not that i cant take the views of others, i still can, it's just empathy - nothing too terribly difficult, just something that takes practice. I dunno it it's progress or not, just an observation...
my writing has also taken more happier avenues of thought since i last posted, much of mine originally started out ver dark, sadistic, angry, but now i've assumed more positive, contemplative, reflective, even hapy moods....i think thats good that i'm broadening how i write, but i do still write sad stuff, it's just i can additionally write somethign happy
but that again doesn't mean everythigns ok, and all good....
look at me - the person who claims to be my best friend hasnt immed me since i got on, and they have better people to talk to online. i dont want to reach a conclusion from that...
do do do do do do do do
i think i may just sleep instead of waiting for the call
or maybe i'll wait for it....
i dont even know
i'm indecisive
my conclusion has left me like that
on a different not i really want a relationship, but i dont not want to have one - being in limbo is not all that fun...i think earlier today i had come to the conclusion that i wanted one, but then my prospect isn't very prospective to me anymore (i don't like people who r bi - i just dont feel comfortable, i also dotn want to date someone who is gunna drink, it's not for me, so i shouldnt be in a relationship that they want to) i'm thinking about some other people but i dont think i'm gunna go for it, i just think theres better people for these people...
i hope i have kids
but i dont think i'll ever get married....
but i'm actually ok with it....lots of people are single for their entier life, it's not like it's a fialure, and if i dont get to go into the part of heaven i want to because of it, so be it, it wont be from lack of me trying to find it, i just dont think it'll happen, but if it does, that sounds great....
i'm out
|
|
|
| Sunday, December 4th, 2005
| |
10:13 am
|
yesterday was really fun,
but i think i ended up more confused than i have been in a long time...
i've written a lot of stuff since i last posted any of it, and i'd really like to write one on here...but my backpacks at johns house...
i'm in limbo, and getting mixed signals again, but i'm ok with it, it doesnt upset me, i just wish i knew which ones to make sense of....
love is hard,
but worth it....
i'm supposed to listen to a song by cursive
then i'm going to church...
i hope i have a good day,
and to the rest of you - Thank you, for always showing me such great support, such positive feedback, i feel like i have the friends network that i've always wanted, i feel ilke if i need to i can call about 1/2 a dozen people day or night and they will undoubtably talk to me, i feel loved, and needed in my regular life. I'm so grateful for that, and i hope that everyone else can feel the same way i feel, i feel like i have a family of friends i can turn to at any given moment, and they will understand who i am, where i'm comming from, why i make the decisions i make, and what drives me to make those decisions, they can make the appeals to me that i need because i trust them, and i hope that they trust me the same way. I will always be here for all of my friends - and my cell is on 24/7 (honestly) just in case any one of you needs me. I love my friends, and i' mso grateful i've finally got the circle of ffriends i hoped for for so long. I feel more stable, because of these great people. The small things you do will never be underappreciated. Please everyone have a safe holiday season, and whatever you plan on celebrating this year, make it worth it, and show those people how much you really care about them, dont spend tons of moeny on something if something less expensive, but more personal, will give them teh feelings that you genuinely care, don't blow it off, this is your chance to really show everyone that they've been on your mind all year, and now you can give them something to show how much you think of them! Have the best time, but dont just go get wasted. Seriously revel in the season, and live your life in constant thougth and care, because if you do, so will the others, and we can make it one of the most memorable times of a lifetime......
Best Holiday wishes
-JP
current mood:  content
|
|
|
| Thursday, December 1st, 2005
| |
5:29 am
|
yesterday sucked,
but what else could be expected?
i got my class ring, i like it
and i'm ripped and ready for another sucky day
lookin forward to saturday....
but still dreadin.
|
|
|
| Wednesday, November 30th, 2005
| |
5:27 am
|
it's so incredibly typical
and i cant cope, but i can
because i have to...
class rings today, lets hope i dont cry
as it happens once again
i'm hyped for another good day.
|
|
|
| Tuesday, November 29th, 2005
| |
5:20 pm
|
and i cant even look at myself smile anymore
yet i still do it...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
smarts701's journal